The last few days have been quite intense and exhilarating. I signed up to participate in an online retreat through a beautiful web site called www.awakeningwomen.com and have been blessed from my head to my toes since it started 4 days ago.
The retreat is an amazing journey into the deepest parts of your being. Down into the ugly bits that we hide away and then pretend are not there in hopes they will go away. Of course they don't go away. Like a horrid mold, they rage on in the damp, dark corners of your secret self. There they fester and grow pungent under the heavy stones of denial, thickening in viscosity and threatening to erupt like an angry boil.
Ahhhhhhh.....sorry, I digress.
So, during this retreat then, the participants have been asked to seek deeply. To embrace honesty as a constant companion. The rewards are far greater for the Divine Warrior. The one who really wants to, and does, overturn the stones and dig into the corners.
All this exhausting emotional work is to be stuffed into every tiny, available, empty crevasse of a moment the day may provide, while living out your daily "normal" activities.
Today, day four, I am finally stripping myself of some of those things I do without even thinking much about them. Those ways of perceiving, thinking, reacting, behaving that have been a part of me since I was a tiny girl.
They worked for a time, but now, now when I desire more of me...when I desire to BE more of ME, they no longer serve. They may have, at one time, been established to protect me. Now? Now after all this time and all the hurts and failures they have morphed into enemies and they keep me from fully embracing ALL of me. I spend too much time fighting them back, fighting to keep the good above and the ugly below. I am ready to embrace ALL the good and ALL the bad.
Mind you when I say I am out to embrace the bad, I am not saying, like I have heard so many say of late " That's who I am and I am not going to change!" Saying that I am embracing that which hides in the darkness is NOT saying "This me, good and bad, and I am not changing!" How very, very sad to not want to change! To not want to look at what hinders, and name it, thereby removing all of its power.
No, no, I want to name it, bring it out in the light of day. Dig into the corners, over turn the rocks and expose the ugly mess to the sunshine. Dry it up, so to speak, so that instead of it bubbling and boiling under the surface waiting to erupt with any tiny bump of frustration or indignation when a weird text comes or an odd Facebook comment is posted or someone leaves their dirty dishes all over the house or the dog chews yet another window sill off, instead of it erupting and causing havoc on all fronts, I can, at my leisure, turn to where it lays quiet and domesticated…waiting and willing to serve my highest good.
In this way I can calmly access it in order that it may inform my authentic response instead of being over powered by it and catapulted into an ill advised reaction, judgment, or just numbed by it so that I can't respond at all.
So, you see, this is why I decided I needed to find something to wear this morning that would be a visual outward manifestation of this cleansing process that is taking place on such a profound level.
I chose a sweet, white, lacy knee length shift.
I took a hot bath with lavender oil.
I slipped the shift over my head and as it fell into place over my aging hips I began to feel a bit lighter and released from the heavy, emotional work.
I never, ever wear thongs..but today? Today I decided I needed to feel like perhaps I could get away with it. No one would know. There would be no judgements.
The day was perfection...meditations, incense, candles, prayers, me in my white lace dress.
Here is the thing about being a bit ....hmmmmm....let's use voluptuous...being a bit voluptuous and wearing a thong. Sometimes...and it's only sometimes… one who is voluptuous can forget it is there.
And so perfection ends after several cups of tea and a lonnnng meditation …I run into the bathroom and sit...and wonder..."Why is this such an odd experience? I don't normally have this strange flow of….OMG!!!!!"
Now...I ask you,...can I say that this is "literally" Life Between The Cracks??
Hahahahahahahahaha awwwwww
Peace and Laughter In Your Journey!
Peace,
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