Life between the cracks!
Little did I know when I started this blog
how much living room there actually is
in the cracks of life.
You have gathered from reading some of the posts, life really is lived here, in the cracks. We try sooooooo hard to not fall in, and if we do fall in, we scramble to escape. All that energy trying to avoid or escape the very space where everything is sacred, nothing is wasted, all is worked out for your Divine Purpose in this time and in this body. It all works together for good, here in the cracks. Through observance and deep personal experience, I know this to be true and beautiful.....but.....
For instance, I recall the days leading up to and including the day Lucy came to stay.
I really had not invited her. Really, I hadn't . No one had invited her in fact and no one was happy that she was coming. No one!! But, no matter what we felt or what we said, she came anyway.
You know, sometimes ( well, most of the time for me) we forget dates of things unless we celebrate them regularly. Like, anniversaries, birthdays, holidays. Those are rarely forgotten. But general things, like people coming to visit or when we took a walk, things like that are forgotten, easily.
But, until the day I die, I will never....NEVER.... Forget the day Lucy was inserted into my life, and really, the life of my whole family! March 12, 2015! Oh sister, what a day! ...but, I digress.
Like I have pointed out, she was NOT invited. In fact, when I found out she was coming, ( New Year's Eve Day, 2014 ) I was shocked....stunned....I even cried. A lot! She has a different way of ..... doing things. I wasn't at all ready to deal with her and I was not ready to have my life upended. And believe me, if you have a Lucy in your life you know exactly what I am talking about! When they are finally with you, day in and day out, nothing is ever the same.
I am not certain one can even prepare. I know I tried, but it seemed futile. I didn't know how she would behave ( other than being greatly disruptive in a "I really am helping you" sort of way.) I knew enough about her, being that we are related, to anticipate that things would be rocky, if not down right unbearable, for a few months. I also know myself well enough to know that if I had no choice about her coming....that it was "my turn" so to speak...that I would, eventually, figure out how to manage with her here. But, BOY! I didn't want to have to make the effort!
I had assistance. ( Thank the Divine Creator! ) Hubby and my youngest daughter were especially supportive of me and understanding of my feelings. They never judged me and patiently allowed AND supported everything I felt, said, and did.
Others were constantly popping up to offer and give support during those days of preparation. I say preparation but it was more like a cleansing!! The others were not going to have to spend the kind of time with her that I would. She was, after all, coming to "help" me. ME ... *sigh*, I couldn't say no to her. I just could not! So I had to prepare. UGH!
So, this preparation, this cleansing, began the 12th of January, 2015. I did this willingly. I didn't like it, but I choose to do it. "It's the best way to get ready" said all my trusted advisors. I knew, deep down, they were right. So, rather than waste my energy in resistance, I went inward. I went to a place of non-resistance, of surrender.
Now, I know there are many ways to cleanse the body. But I knew, at that time, in order to survive with Lucy I would have to be at the top of my game, so to speak. I would need to be free of anything that would cause her to be rejected. So I opted for what my advisors and helpers knew to be the best way forward.
All this for one tiny, little.....UGH! *sigh*....but I digress.
And it was a cleansing, let me tell you!!
Have you ever read about a shamanic vision quest where the one seeking a spiritual vision/experience finds reliable guides and teachers...sits down with them in a ritual dedicated for this quest, is offered and then drinks a potion and spends the next many hours vomiting, thereby cleansing the body. Eventually, once this physical cleansing has subsided, the seeker then receives many visions ranging from emotionally painful ones to total bliss ones? No? Google it!
Well, minus the ritual, and the holy visions ( those came months later ) that was my experience. Again, UGH!
So, there I was. Deeply invested in this cleansing process, which had me filling my body once every two weeks for six weeks with, what I lovingly refer to as "Fire Medicine". What was anyone thinking when they came up with this??? OMG! I remember feeling that Lucy's arrival couldn't really require I endure this? Really? But, yep, that's what the trusted ones in my life were telling me. And I do trust them...beyond all measure. So, yes, I surrendered.
I accepted the last of the "Fire Medicine" on February 9th ( you'll notice, now, I have managed to remember some dates ) but the effects of the cleansing lasted waaaaay beyond what I had expected and, in fact, lasted a month and a bit past Lucy's arrival. Which, ironically, didn't help me cope with her. And in a "living life in the cracks" sort of way, it hindered! *sigh*
But, even though the effects were debilitating, I was grateful for a way through. It was very uncomfortable, but it was my way through. And , yes, a proven way through. And I had made it! I had made it with a month to spare before her coming!
So, there I was, through the cleansing and in a rest period but not feeling well or strong enough to cope with what I figured would be hell breaking loose. "How in the world", I would repeatedly ask myself, "am I going to receive her in this condition?"
